RESOLUTIONS KO, RESOLUTIONS NI

by Chioma Ilozumba - 08026064787

We are more than half of the year gone, and the 'happy new year' anthem has died off, but the struggle to keep the resolutions continues। Like every other person, I had a long list of resolutions. Drawing up the list wasn't the problem, what was, was how to go about it.People like us pick up our biro and paper at the slightest inspiration, and I just did.

The inspiration? My friend is here, nagging about how she's finding it difficult to keep up with her resolutions। And it's just hit me that I'm having the same problems. Let's check some out. I resolved to get more polite on the phone. Believe me, I was nice for at least the first 10 days of the year. But the problem is that I'm this straight to the point kind of person, and it really infuriates me when people spend precious call money telling you "guess who's speaking?".

It's not like I hate surprises oh, but most times, before you even begin to guess, they go "so you've forgotten my voice eh? Am I supposed to be a robot that will remember every voice at replay? Of course, we know the guys are the guilty ones। And just when you call a name, it makes matters worse, because the next thing you'll be hearing is "Ehhen, who is Simeon?"It's just at this level I get angry and tell you to take a one-way trip to hell.

My girlfriends know better than to give a guy my number। But when they do, it's really annoying that a guy calls a girl he does not know from Adam and does not have the guts to explain how he got your number.

To make matters worse, I might say, "you sound like my 9yr old brother", and we cut the phone with two separate impressions, he lacks guts, and she's nasty। Sometimes when I pick the phone, my rough 'hello' as if we just had a quarrel makes whoever is on the other end cut the line. I really ought to change, because many times, I've ended up apologizing profusely to people who really mean a lot to me, not to talk of my Uncles and older people.

Maybe it's because I'm really stressed up sometimes, yeah, I could safely say that, or how can you explain the fact that you hear an entirely different angel whose voice could run you mad at 2।57am? But I will change, I just must.

I can't just live without my heels। People think I really should have nothing doing with heels considering my height. What they don't know is that my wearing heels is a personal victory over a childhood battle. You see, when I was younger, my mum got me this pair of real high slippers. I never wore them well, I would always trip, fall, and get laughed at. The beginning of it all was when I was right in the middle of Yaba Market, and as usual, I tripped and fell.

Now, falling wasn't bad. What was bad was the very 'ungraceful' manner in which I fell, and the whole of the market knew I had on a dotted pink and white? forget that. My mom burnt the slippers the very next day, but I silently vowed not to rest until I overcame the highest of heels.
I would practice at home alone with my mom's shoes। When we had female guests, I would quickly assess the heels and slip into them. A few more falls and sprains, and today, I cannot just walk, but run in every single collection of my high shoes and sandals. I really tried to change, at least for my 'brief' friends. What I just realized is that I've gotten used to swinging my hips on heels and when I'm not wearing them, there is nothing to support this hips and I really make a disgusting scene of dragging my legs and shuffling my feet while walking. Instead of this, isn't it just better I erase this resolution?

If I had any sense, with the holes in my jaw, I'd quit sweets and chewing gum। I had this terrible toothache last year. I swear eh, until you have it, you wont know what it's like. I would cry to God, and promise whoever cared to listen that I wouldn't chew gum again.

You can't imagine the temptation I face each time I pass Mallam Shehu's place। I began to deceive myself by taking Mint sweets, then mint gums, and now, I'm back to square one! Right now, I chew time bomb, and it's really sugar based. I just must quit, at least to make sure all my teeth don't fall out before I'm 76!

I also wrote to stop worrying। I worry too much for my age. I like to be up to date on whatever happens in Nigeria and if you know any one who's got this habit, come and tell me he doesn't worry.I'm always in the company of older people, listening to political and sports gist, and it just annoys my friends that I could pick the phone, and excitedly scream "GUESS WHAT?!!" And when they begin to think I just saw Beyonce's latest, or I just heard the latest stupid thing an actor did (which I always hear by the way), I begin to tell them that "Belgore did this, and Peter Obi did that, or a new governor would face so-so difficulty".

You can imagine how they'd tell me "Go get a life!" When we buy the Punch or the Sun which happens to be our favorite, I'm grabbing Femi Adeshina's, my beloved Keyamo or Usoro's Reality, or Bottom-line and they are busy checking out show biz or what that naughty Juliana Francis has up her sleeve। (Cant deny being her fan too sha).

So this year, I want to be the sweet teen, and then use the long spoon for these aforementioned issues when the need arises. Now my friend has quit ranting, because she has noticed that I'm flexing my fingers. "Chioma, is there any day we can gist, and I won't see my name in one of your write ups?" I replied, "The day I'm on P.O.P" This piece is in front of you, because I just saved it from the juice she poured on the table! And by the way, resolutions ko, resolutions ni - I'll be a better person, and there's no need for long stories.